


Divine Residence

by not_whelmed_yet



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Everyone Thinks They're Together, Gen, House Hunting, Reality TV, Transcript Format, like crowley i am doing this on a lark, they probably are
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 18:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19796137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_whelmed_yet/pseuds/not_whelmed_yet
Summary: Crowley decides to mess with some reality television producers on a lark. Aziraphale joins him because, well, a little vacation home down in Wales would be quite nice, wouldn’t it?





	Divine Residence

**Author's Note:**

> So I have read this book several times but I'm only halfway through the show, because I am _supposed_ to be finishing my Transformers Big Bang fic right now.
> 
> That said, this idea was too delightful to not start writing. Loosely edited, feel free to notify me of any egregious typos. Have fun!

We open on a pair of young women in huge sunhats sitting on a porch as the logo _Summer Seekers_ splashes across the screen with a CGI wave of water. One woman is wearing a jean romper and lounging on the porch swing. This is Samantha. The other woman is standing by the railing in a sundress covered in cartoon fish. This is Eileen.

Eileen: Welcome back to Summer Seekers, your favorite show about Britons on the prowl for vacation properties. I'm Eileen, and this is Samantha—

Samantha: And we’re your hosts!

Eileen: And let's not waste any more time on introductions, we’ve got a lot to get through today. Our guests this week are a pair of longtime friends out of London, who have only recently started cohabitating. Zira is a bookseller who runs an antiquarian shop. Normally we would play you some footage of Zira's shop but he—

Samantha: Absolutely refused to tell us where it is.

_Cut to Aziraphale, sitting in an office with his hands clasped primly in his lap._

Caption: **Zira Fell, bookseller**

Aziraphale: Oh absolutely not. I don't want the whole of the country knowing where the place is. We have a reputation for being, you know, one of those quiet little corners of London that absolutely knows about and thus cannot tell their friends about. We have a minimal contingent of browsers and that’s the way we like it.

Aziraphale: If you want some footage of me in a bookshop, pretending to put books on shelves we can do that anywhere. It would be like a field trip. I've been meaning to pop over to Pordes or Jarndyce, or even Peter Harrington’s shop. Oh and I've heard rumors that Skoob Books acquired some first edition copies of—

_Cut back to our hosts, sitting on the Summer Seekers porch. They've acquired drinks since we cut away, little pink bubbly drinks with umbrellas in them._

Samantha: Which is the story of how I lost five hours of my life following Mr. Fell around the back alleys of London in search of "wonderful treasures".

_She makes air quotes with her hands._

Samantha: We're going to play some of that footage now, because I didn't waste that much time for none of it to make it into the show.

_Aziraphale in a bookshop, taking a book off a shelf and then putting it back on the shelf. He winks at the camera as he shelves the book._

_Aziraphale in another bookshop, holding a stack of books in his arms._

_Zira in another bookshop, handing off a stack of books as tall as a toddler to Samantha._

_The footage speeds into fast forward as we cut to: a book shop another bookshop, Aziraphale having an impassioned argument with a bookseller, Aziraphale inside a crepe shop waving excitedly at the camera through the window, Aziraphale flipping through the pages of a book and then passing it onto the stack of books Samantha is holding, a figure in dark sunglasses waiting on a bench outside a bookshop besides two cardboard file boxes filled to the brim with manuscripts—_

_Freezeframe. The camera zooms in on Crowley._

Eileen: This is Mr. Crowe. Anthony Crowe. He's Mr. Fell's partner. He's a...motivational speaker—

_Crowley sitting in the aforementioned office, with the chair turned backwards and his chin resting on the back of the chair. He's grinning._

Crowley: Yes, exactly. A motivational speaker for plants. Though of course, as a profession we prefer to be referred to as Botanical Life Coaches. Do you do little blurbs with people’s names on them when they’re introduced? _I want that on my blurb._

Caption: **Anthony Crowe. Botanical Life Coach**

Samantha: Mr. Crowe is a literal angel and I can never thank him enough for rescuing me from that shopping _nightmare_ —

_Cut to Crowley, an arm around Aziraphale's shoulder as he steers him gently out of the bookshop. The camera follows behind as they talk._

Crowley: You've had your fun, you can't keep them here all day.

Aziraphale: This was your idea, I don't see why I can't do a little window shopping whilst we're out and about. Plus, it's educational! I read in the paper the other day that youths like these spend all their time reading things on their phones in _hieroglyphics_ **.**

Crowley: You know what I told you. If a newspaper article...

Aziraphale, rolling his eyes: Has the word “millenial” in the tile I should light it on fire. Yes, well, I'm not running around setting papers on fire, it's _unseemly_ **.**

Crowley: Well, set it on fire metaphorically. Set it on fire inside your brain. Presume it was written by—I don't know, Gabriel, or some similarly out-of-touch old fogey. Oy, cameraman, do you read books?

Hesitant voice from behind the camera [this is Troy]: Uh, yeah. I'm following this podcast on Paradise Lost so I've been reading that lately.

Crowey: And do you read Paradise Lost in emoji or any other symbolic script?

Troy: Uh, no sir. I read it in English. (muttering) Why did I just call him sir?

Crowley: See?

Aziraphale: Oh fine. Have it your way. Back to the office, then?

_Cut to our hosts on the porch._

Eileen: So our guests this week are looking for a vacation home up in Scotland.

_Aziraphale in the office, frowning._

Aziraphale: I thought we agreed on Wales.

Crowley: Nope. Sssscotland.

Aziraphale: You know it's colder in Scotland.

Crowley: Well that's what you're for.

_Aziraphale blushes._

_We cut to Eileen, making significant eye contact at the camera. She looks over at Samantha and winks._

Eileen: So, we're looking for a small two bedroom property with "plenty of storage space", "a sunroom", “built in bookshelves” and a porch. And as for budget..."

_Aziraphale looking quite surprised._

Aziraphale: Oh yes, budget. Of course. I don't think we have a budget, do we Crowl—Crowe?

Crowlely: Money's not really a thing I spend much time worrying about.

_Aziraphale glances at the camera and, seeming to sense they've said something wrong, leans close to Crowley and hisses._

Aziraphale: Well, make a number! We can't just not have a budget. That's weird. Peculiar. _Suspicious._

Crowley: How am I to know how much humans typically spend on real estate?

Aziraphale: Well, look it up! On your phone or whatever.

Crowley: Oh, very well, Angel.

_Extended shot of Crowley scrolling on his smartphone. He's given up on sitting in his chair at all and has slumped over sideways so that his upper body is resting on Aziraphale's lap. Occasionally he turns the phone around to show him something._

_Cut to Crowley, sitting upright in his chair with his hands clasped in his lap in perfect imitation of Aziraphale._

Crowley: Our budget is 1.6 million pounds. I'm hoping to find something for less, but, you know, if we found something that Zira really had his heart set on...

Eileen: So why did you decide to guest on Summer Seekers?

Crowley: Well me and zira have always had very different taste in architecture. And interior decorating. And just about everything else. Compromising on something is going to be a deliciousss challenge.

Aziraphale: Well, me and Anthony have had a really rough year of it, but we pulled through, you know? World didn't end, we made it. And I just feel like we deserve something nice for a change. Someplace where we could be all alone, stretch out, spread our wings—if that's a saying? But Crowl—Crowe isn’t very good at admitting what he wants. I'm hoping that, together, we can draw that out of him and find a place that not only satisfies his taste for the infernally dramatic but a place where he can be truly comfortable. You know?

_Cut to our hosts on the porch._

Samantha: So that was our challenge. To find a Scottish vacation home for under 1.6 million pounds, which can make our bookshop owner and botanical life coach willing to reconcile their wildly conflicting tastes. Simple enough, right?

_As the music starts in for the next segment of the show, both of our hosts stare sullenly at the camera._

Eileen: Oh yes, no trouble at all.

_She says this with the same voice a person might say, “I dreamed of being a professional architect but instead have found myself hosting a reality television show about rich people being indecisive asses and every night I imagine hurling myself into the sea and being rescued by an attractive and incredibly strong lesbian mermaid who will carry me away to her home beneath the waves. She looks remarkably like my co-host Samantha but she’s not dating my ex-wife.”_

_Or something to that effect._

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr at [notwhelmedyet](https://notwhelmedyet.tumblr.com/), though I am almost never there because I'm trying to finish a 50,000 word fic for the Transformers Big Bang by the end of July. I write almost exclusively gay space robots ( _pssst you should read More than Meets the Eye, it's about gay space robots_ ) but I will definitely put together the second chapter for this soon 😄
> 
> If you already know me you know I love comments. If you don't know me please see the preceding sentence & thank you for reading!


End file.
